Feel of the Day.109

Hello,

It sure has been a while...I don't think i blogged this half of the year o.0 haha anyways, time to catch up.
You know how sometimes people describe their life as being in a "roller coster", i know this is slam-dunk cliche, but count me in. There has been happy times, there has been sad time. The sad thing is, sad>happy times.

#1 Medical school is not what everyone says it's like.
Sure, it's great being in a hospital, learning diff kinds of illnesses and talking to real life patients. That's all good. But at the end of the day, you gotta learn them all; at least most of the important relevant ones, which already amounts to a huge pile everything.

You gotta keep your own morale steady, because you're constantly communicating to people, whether it be doctors or patients, it's a common denominator. It really doesn't help when your other half is with you in the same course and in the same hospital and in the same group! Don't get me wrong, it is also great having them around, being able to see them every day, being able to give them a morning hug, being able to have lunch together; that's all great and i mean that. I really do cherish our time together. But with every goodness there is always some shadow. Being both medical students, we are all competitive and a perfectionist in one way or another, that doesn't help. Also, after all the school-time madness, towards the end of the day, you'd want something fresh, and i don't mean like someone else, but rather something diff to talk about. Inevitably, some of the day time madness overspills into the evening emotions and poisons the moment. Perhaps it's because we're in the same group? It might've been different if we were still in the same hospital but different groups? Or maybe it's just my ego? Having said all that, i am also very grateful. I have been supported, lifted up, patted-on-the-back, encouraged and shared. I hope I have provided them with a mirror effect of those things. But often I fail and everything just sinks and sinks and sinks. It's like having a lifeline, and then taking a match, lighting it up and slowly burning the rope. As you smell the burning ash, you remind yourself that you gotta throw the lit match away, before its too late. I'm grateful I have heeded to my own subconscious and allowed the rope to mend. I hope this lifeline never snaps; but if it does, is there another line? or life?

#2 Home troubles
You know the age when people are starting to gain independence and experience REAL LIFE. Nevermind that, lets go back a few years.....You know the age when people are just starting uni life and beginning to exprience LIFE...I think to myself, "erm, come again? what?". It's sometimes shameful, but more often than not, it's actually hurtful. Being a fish in a pond without being able to swim amongst the vegetations and other lifeforms is really derogatory. It's like fate's laughing in front of you, as you age and age and age, and slowly missing the age-specific LIFE moments. Until one day when your stronghold is gone, there's nothing left to experience, there's no more LIFE moments to live and remember, there's only...LIFE...Long, Irritating, Funless, Existance (you like that? I've been told i'm quite good at making acronyms, here's one for real life application). Why oh why oh why have i been granted such...(i will stop here)...

#3 Mood
Finding yourself in a good mood at the start of the day is not such an easy or common occurence anymore. This obviously is contributed by #1 and #2. I can never just wake up and do what i want to do; or eat what i want to eat or how i want to eat it; it's all out of my control. I might as well be a robot. Everything adds on, that's real life maths for ya. Every single little thing will snowball and ultimately become a avalanche and BOOMSHAKALAKA, everything flatlines and restarts. and the little snowflakes starts falling again, and the LIFEcycle begins again. You get my drift?

I know i must be sounding like an inconsiderate homo sapien, and maybe i am such a person, but if there's a 0.000000001% chance that i'm not, empathize with me will ya? Lend me a hand and think "man, he's got a friggin avalanche behind him, that's not easy" and maybe at some level my subconsciousness will acknowledge that and relax a little, breathe a little, LIVE (Laughter, Interesting, Valuable, Existence) a little. Please, dear Mr. Subconsciousness, let me out? I relay the same plea to my physical stronghold, let me out.

Cheers,
Waiting to LIVE