Feel of the Day. 116

Thing's have progressed, yest again, surprisingly. 

I continue to push new boundaries, and so far, have been met with minor successes, although in the context of impending 'educational discipline and war'.

Another thought that grasped my minds eye is that while the psychoanalysis of my own existence (context: doing psych term, learnt about psychodynamics, applying it to own life) have given me much insight into the make up of myself; other people too have their own unique chip of psychodynamicity. Whilst talking about it myself gives me some pleasure/closure/insight, the receipient on the other end may not share the same enthusiasm. I am reminded that no matter what other people say, what other people do, what other people imply; we are truly alone. There is us, our thoughts and nothing else. Nothing else that gives 100% assurance and loyalty anyways. 

I know I am sounding like a pessimist and overly judgemental, but it is what it is and it applies to me too. It's what make us human.  

The hope is that a world of green pastures and hills meeting a whole sky of blue and clouds is waiting on the other end. But who knows what's on the other side. You hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. 

alvin.k 

Feel of the Day. 115

Today is an interesting day. haha

A little bit of background, I am currently in my 3rd year of medical school and if you've been following my previous posts, you know I've got family issues. Or maybe it's just me?

Today it was made known to me that my parents acknowledged that they did "neglect" me when my 2 younger brothers were born (they were 5 and 7 years my junior). At least they thought they did. They believe that this would've explained my coldness towards them in the family. Perhaps this is true.

Today marked the first time I was able to put my foot forward as an adult and voice my questions before them, adult to adult. It began well, I was able to control my tone of voice and behavior. I gave thoughtful answers that were also close to heart. For a minute, I felt like I had "parents", in the sense that I am having some meaningful conversations with them. But as the 3 way conversation (me, mum and dad) went on, as I continue to share my concerns and things I went through as I grew up as an adolescent, my mother began to once again sit on the iron throne and look down upon the lowly me, merely a son, and not an adult. My mother, she kept insisting that she's been through a lot in her life and that she knows best. That we need not understand what she is doing because she will only give us bread and not stones. Even after I presented the idea of an "open-conversation" between parent and child, she would not budge.

It was a start, at least. As I talked through myself, I realize that I had built a wall so high that even a storm on the other end couldn't affect my end. We talked about me and my brothers and how we needed to be closer and build a stronger relationship. This I know. My dad gave so many examples about how he and his brothers were close. And sometimes I envy that, but sometimes I wonder how could I yearn for such things when it seems so foreign to me. Nevertheless, I have to work through my end of the deal first. I need to explore the barriers, fears, insecurities that surround the intra-familial relationship and communication. I have de-volved into a cocoon. Made my own safe place, where no word nor command can break the peace within.

A least it was a start, a start I'm hoping will continue to explore itself to reveal more and more.
However, seeing that exams are soon, I don't know when the next time is before I can peek through my tightly knitted cocoon.

I wish they would listen and understand. Give me a hint of empathy, as oppose to practicing their authority as parents over their children, in the name of the bible. I gave them some insight from the point of view of a child of their own, but they refuse. At least they appeared that way. All I can wish is that they took away something from the hour long discussion.

Alas, the self-made quote that gives me comfort at the end of this day is "remember, nothing lasts forever". Does this mean nothing has change? I don't know. I do believe that I opened up a part of me to my parents (unexpectedly) and that it wasn't for nothing. Something has to change, something must.

Good night world, thanks for listening,

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 114

Today, we're back where everything began.

I feel like I don't belong. Ever been in a foreign city, and you're standing in the middle of the busiest street of that foreign city, as the local people walk past you, going on their own business etc That is how I feel today. Everyone is doing their own things and I feel like I'm in the way. Maybe I'm not made to socialize, maybe like some statues, I'm made to remain solitary in a garden.

Atm, the only thing that's keeping me going is a run in the gym and her.
Endorphins. I wish I could make 'em on demand. I guess that's why some people opt for drugs. It momentarily takes you away from all the sadness, all the remorse, all the gloom. But the sad thing is, once they wear off, you're back in reality, you're back where all the shitt is.

You know, maybe they are better off without me, one way or another. They seem like a happy family. With me, there's just so much conflict and unhappiness. The only thing is the money I've leeched off these 23 years. I'm not currently working so I have no savings. To go just like this isn't right. Also, I'm in a constant state of flux, so what I'm feeling constantly changes. I've of course been living in comfort and that is another major reason for me to stay. I've got everything here, comfort, food, shelter; everything, except happiness and peace. But those things are enough to make one stay; change one's mind.

"I didn't choose you to be here, nor did you choose to be here."
Those words are so true, if it were a choice, you wouldn't see my face. You wouldn't know my name. But that's not possible.

Maybe now, maybe tmr, maybe in a few weeks.
Maybe in 2 years.

The day will come. This too shall end. I truly believe that, no, I truly want that. Belief is subjective. But "want" births from true desire, so yea, i "want".

__________________________________________

"Baby are you down, down, down, down , down"
"Yes, I am"

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 113

Today, is a mixed day.

If you were to ask me to rate today on average, i'd give it a 5/10.
But if you asked me to rate the lowest and highest moment today, you'd get a number lower than 0 and higher than 10.

I am too tired to even reiterate what happened today, but the gist is this:
I am too tired to bother anymore, and I will do whatever you want me to do.
But pls, don't expect me to be happy doing them.
If you wana set stupid rules, go ahead. Afterall, Australians have to abide by Australian's Law.
The good news is, I don't have to be Aussie forever. (That was just a metaphor)

Peace out y'all, those who can be happy, be happy please, enjoy it.

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 112

Today, I feel like I've let someone close to me down. And, it's due to me not being able to be happy.
It all seems easy for me so be down in the dumps and just feel sorry for myself. It's a convenient place for me, a familiar one.

But, I've never thought (before this year) that it also affects other beside me, especially those who are close.
I don't know, of course I want to be happy; who doesn't. But, I just feel down. Maybe it is depression, actually, it is depression. It fits the DSM-IV criteria perfectly. It's going to be a challenge next year, when I'll be doing a rotation of psych.

I don't know what to do anymore. Just when I thought I would seek help, my parents are all la-di-da, and don't believe in that kinda help. They want to help, but ironically, they are a source of the problem; a big majority to be honest. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the root of all problems, and if I cease to exist, then everyone would be happy. Those close to me, are actually close to me not by choice. They didn't know that they were getting into shit when they unofficially sign the "Let's be friends" document. I feel sorry for them, i really do. Maybe i should let them go. But, I am a coward, I am afraid to. But deep down inside, somewhere deep deep down, I know. They would be much happier without me. People like me should be alone. Alone, unbothered. Just like someone with TB, sitting in the isolation room. That's where I belong socially. At least for those with TB, friends and family can still visit, all they needa do is to put on a special respirator (a.k.a. mask) and maybe a gown, and that's it. They can converse, and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The down side for me is, there's no respirator on sale for people like me. If you decide to be with me, that's saying "alright, give me TB" or "Just cough in my face, will ya?".

I don't know, I want to be selfless, but I am selfish. I can't let go. Not yet.
If you're reading this, you must think that I am such a loser. Well, maybe I am.
I need to be happy for others, no longer for myself. Why? Because I no longer have to substance to be happy, I don't have the slightest indication to muster a smile; a true smile, that is. The kinda smiles I've been generating these days look pretty believable, the kind that others would think the happiest man would have.
Well, think again.

All I've been doing is hurting myself, and others around me. Maybe I should just flame out. Maybe, just maybe. Don't you think so? Why keep a pet around when it is causing harm to you and your family.

A hole is where I ought to be right now, one that is deep, but bright! I do have a fear of darkness haha
A hole where no one else needs to worry about me, one where no one else would be upset because of me, one where I will be free from all bonds, just me and my thoughts, running through the night light.

Take me there, take me there...

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 111

Today, i feel like writing something. 

A bird, think about a bird for a second. Imagine you're taking a morning stroll in a forest path, and you look up. Underneath the magnificent branches and leaves, are a few brightly coloured creatures, flapping their energetic wings, soaring way above the ground. If you ask me, the first word that comes to mind when I think about birds, is "freedom".

Freedom is a universal thing, every little thing, no mater how big or small, significant or trivial, glamorous or shabby, have some form of freedom. Even the ants crawling on the ground have a say. 

Today, i feel like i've a first world problem. I have a place to sleep, food to fill my stomach, a room to shelter me from the rain; to some people, i've got nothing to complain about, hence "first world problem". 

For so long this problem has plagued me, in the beginning it was alright, because every same-aged soul that wonders the streets back then had the same disease. But what's different is that for them, this disease has an expiry date. For me, it continues to grow and year-by-year, as i hope and wish, it either stays the same as before or worsen in intensity. 

Now, lacking freedom is one thing, but what's worse is lacking freedom alone, while others enjoy and live out their "freedom". Every year during the exam period, i have a dilemma. The same dilemma. On the one hand, i need to study as much as I can to score the best possible marks. Everyone is thinking the same and this causes tremendous stress. But what's different from me and the is that they can think of plans and things to do after the living hell that is "exams" are over. But me? No. That is not a luxury I have. That is not part of my birth right as a human being. The only right I have, is the choice to decide if my heart were to continue to beat, if my diaphragm were to continue to contract, and if my nephrons were to continue to filter blood. 

Today i was asked this question, "So what will you be doing for your birthday?" I said "nothing". Response: N/A. No-freaking-thing. I have no one, no body to do this with me, because of your stupid plans, your stupid ways and your stupid beliefs. Are you happy? Are you pleased that you have ruined my life? Don't worry, once I am able to leave, I will. You will not see me, you will not hear from me, I will give you money, afterall, we should return what we have been given, but i will not grant you the luxury of torturing me when i can escape it. I am holding, holding my ground patiently. Waiting for that one opportunity to escape and then, perhaps, this disease shall escape me and me it. I look forward to this day, to this hour, to this minute, to this second, to this mllisecond, to this moment. When you will no longer be a part of my life, and when I can truly live my life the way i want to. Those out there who doesn't have this plague, please, enjoy you life, and don't let small petty things get in the way, you have so much to do and so much to live for, please, enjoy "freedom", while i wait patiently to taste its sweetness.

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 110

Today, the 23rd of November 2013, marks the end of my 5th year of tertiary education and my 2nd post grad year in medicine. The LOOOOOOOOONGGGG and TEDIOUSSSSSS year has finally come to an end :)

We had OSCEs today, which was so different to last year's. I remember last year walking out of the Uni feeling confident and relieved. Today, the emotion i carried out of the hospital after my session was one of fear, anxiety and insecure. However, that  didn't stop me from feeling accomplished and relieved that the year has finally finished and what's waiting ahead are a bunch of holiday destinations! :)

Coming back to my room today and looking onto my wall; full of conditions i need to learn for the year: 

I felt a sense of accomplishment, seeing how far the year has progressed and how this chapter of my education will now come to a close.

It has been a unique and challenging year, whether it be in studies, friendship, or LIFE in general, there has been so many new aspects to it that i'm almost feeling proud of myself to have survived. 

I am looking forward to the holidays ahead, and i sure hope that this year's will be one filled with happy memories and minimal friction. 

Here's to a great year next year! :D

alvin.k