Feel of the Day. 113

Today, is a mixed day.

If you were to ask me to rate today on average, i'd give it a 5/10.
But if you asked me to rate the lowest and highest moment today, you'd get a number lower than 0 and higher than 10.

I am too tired to even reiterate what happened today, but the gist is this:
I am too tired to bother anymore, and I will do whatever you want me to do.
But pls, don't expect me to be happy doing them.
If you wana set stupid rules, go ahead. Afterall, Australians have to abide by Australian's Law.
The good news is, I don't have to be Aussie forever. (That was just a metaphor)

Peace out y'all, those who can be happy, be happy please, enjoy it.

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 112

Today, I feel like I've let someone close to me down. And, it's due to me not being able to be happy.
It all seems easy for me so be down in the dumps and just feel sorry for myself. It's a convenient place for me, a familiar one.

But, I've never thought (before this year) that it also affects other beside me, especially those who are close.
I don't know, of course I want to be happy; who doesn't. But, I just feel down. Maybe it is depression, actually, it is depression. It fits the DSM-IV criteria perfectly. It's going to be a challenge next year, when I'll be doing a rotation of psych.

I don't know what to do anymore. Just when I thought I would seek help, my parents are all la-di-da, and don't believe in that kinda help. They want to help, but ironically, they are a source of the problem; a big majority to be honest. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the root of all problems, and if I cease to exist, then everyone would be happy. Those close to me, are actually close to me not by choice. They didn't know that they were getting into shit when they unofficially sign the "Let's be friends" document. I feel sorry for them, i really do. Maybe i should let them go. But, I am a coward, I am afraid to. But deep down inside, somewhere deep deep down, I know. They would be much happier without me. People like me should be alone. Alone, unbothered. Just like someone with TB, sitting in the isolation room. That's where I belong socially. At least for those with TB, friends and family can still visit, all they needa do is to put on a special respirator (a.k.a. mask) and maybe a gown, and that's it. They can converse, and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The down side for me is, there's no respirator on sale for people like me. If you decide to be with me, that's saying "alright, give me TB" or "Just cough in my face, will ya?".

I don't know, I want to be selfless, but I am selfish. I can't let go. Not yet.
If you're reading this, you must think that I am such a loser. Well, maybe I am.
I need to be happy for others, no longer for myself. Why? Because I no longer have to substance to be happy, I don't have the slightest indication to muster a smile; a true smile, that is. The kinda smiles I've been generating these days look pretty believable, the kind that others would think the happiest man would have.
Well, think again.

All I've been doing is hurting myself, and others around me. Maybe I should just flame out. Maybe, just maybe. Don't you think so? Why keep a pet around when it is causing harm to you and your family.

A hole is where I ought to be right now, one that is deep, but bright! I do have a fear of darkness haha
A hole where no one else needs to worry about me, one where no one else would be upset because of me, one where I will be free from all bonds, just me and my thoughts, running through the night light.

Take me there, take me there...

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 111

Today, i feel like writing something. 

A bird, think about a bird for a second. Imagine you're taking a morning stroll in a forest path, and you look up. Underneath the magnificent branches and leaves, are a few brightly coloured creatures, flapping their energetic wings, soaring way above the ground. If you ask me, the first word that comes to mind when I think about birds, is "freedom".

Freedom is a universal thing, every little thing, no mater how big or small, significant or trivial, glamorous or shabby, have some form of freedom. Even the ants crawling on the ground have a say. 

Today, i feel like i've a first world problem. I have a place to sleep, food to fill my stomach, a room to shelter me from the rain; to some people, i've got nothing to complain about, hence "first world problem". 

For so long this problem has plagued me, in the beginning it was alright, because every same-aged soul that wonders the streets back then had the same disease. But what's different is that for them, this disease has an expiry date. For me, it continues to grow and year-by-year, as i hope and wish, it either stays the same as before or worsen in intensity. 

Now, lacking freedom is one thing, but what's worse is lacking freedom alone, while others enjoy and live out their "freedom". Every year during the exam period, i have a dilemma. The same dilemma. On the one hand, i need to study as much as I can to score the best possible marks. Everyone is thinking the same and this causes tremendous stress. But what's different from me and the is that they can think of plans and things to do after the living hell that is "exams" are over. But me? No. That is not a luxury I have. That is not part of my birth right as a human being. The only right I have, is the choice to decide if my heart were to continue to beat, if my diaphragm were to continue to contract, and if my nephrons were to continue to filter blood. 

Today i was asked this question, "So what will you be doing for your birthday?" I said "nothing". Response: N/A. No-freaking-thing. I have no one, no body to do this with me, because of your stupid plans, your stupid ways and your stupid beliefs. Are you happy? Are you pleased that you have ruined my life? Don't worry, once I am able to leave, I will. You will not see me, you will not hear from me, I will give you money, afterall, we should return what we have been given, but i will not grant you the luxury of torturing me when i can escape it. I am holding, holding my ground patiently. Waiting for that one opportunity to escape and then, perhaps, this disease shall escape me and me it. I look forward to this day, to this hour, to this minute, to this second, to this mllisecond, to this moment. When you will no longer be a part of my life, and when I can truly live my life the way i want to. Those out there who doesn't have this plague, please, enjoy you life, and don't let small petty things get in the way, you have so much to do and so much to live for, please, enjoy "freedom", while i wait patiently to taste its sweetness.

alvin.k

Feel of the Day. 110

Today, the 23rd of November 2013, marks the end of my 5th year of tertiary education and my 2nd post grad year in medicine. The LOOOOOOOOONGGGG and TEDIOUSSSSSS year has finally come to an end :)

We had OSCEs today, which was so different to last year's. I remember last year walking out of the Uni feeling confident and relieved. Today, the emotion i carried out of the hospital after my session was one of fear, anxiety and insecure. However, that  didn't stop me from feeling accomplished and relieved that the year has finally finished and what's waiting ahead are a bunch of holiday destinations! :)

Coming back to my room today and looking onto my wall; full of conditions i need to learn for the year: 

I felt a sense of accomplishment, seeing how far the year has progressed and how this chapter of my education will now come to a close.

It has been a unique and challenging year, whether it be in studies, friendship, or LIFE in general, there has been so many new aspects to it that i'm almost feeling proud of myself to have survived. 

I am looking forward to the holidays ahead, and i sure hope that this year's will be one filled with happy memories and minimal friction. 

Here's to a great year next year! :D

alvin.k