Feel of the Day. 114

Today, we're back where everything began.

I feel like I don't belong. Ever been in a foreign city, and you're standing in the middle of the busiest street of that foreign city, as the local people walk past you, going on their own business etc That is how I feel today. Everyone is doing their own things and I feel like I'm in the way. Maybe I'm not made to socialize, maybe like some statues, I'm made to remain solitary in a garden.

Atm, the only thing that's keeping me going is a run in the gym and her.
Endorphins. I wish I could make 'em on demand. I guess that's why some people opt for drugs. It momentarily takes you away from all the sadness, all the remorse, all the gloom. But the sad thing is, once they wear off, you're back in reality, you're back where all the shitt is.

You know, maybe they are better off without me, one way or another. They seem like a happy family. With me, there's just so much conflict and unhappiness. The only thing is the money I've leeched off these 23 years. I'm not currently working so I have no savings. To go just like this isn't right. Also, I'm in a constant state of flux, so what I'm feeling constantly changes. I've of course been living in comfort and that is another major reason for me to stay. I've got everything here, comfort, food, shelter; everything, except happiness and peace. But those things are enough to make one stay; change one's mind.

"I didn't choose you to be here, nor did you choose to be here."
Those words are so true, if it were a choice, you wouldn't see my face. You wouldn't know my name. But that's not possible.

Maybe now, maybe tmr, maybe in a few weeks.
Maybe in 2 years.

The day will come. This too shall end. I truly believe that, no, I truly want that. Belief is subjective. But "want" births from true desire, so yea, i "want".

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"Baby are you down, down, down, down , down"
"Yes, I am"

alvin.k