Today, we're back where everything began.
I feel like I don't belong. Ever been in a foreign city, and you're standing in the middle of the busiest street of that foreign city, as the local people walk past you, going on their own business etc That is how I feel today. Everyone is doing their own things and I feel like I'm in the way. Maybe I'm not made to socialize, maybe like some statues, I'm made to remain solitary in a garden.
Atm, the only thing that's keeping me going is a run in the gym and her.
Endorphins. I wish I could make 'em on demand. I guess that's why some people opt for drugs. It momentarily takes you away from all the sadness, all the remorse, all the gloom. But the sad thing is, once they wear off, you're back in reality, you're back where all the shitt is.
You know, maybe they are better off without me, one way or another. They seem like a happy family. With me, there's just so much conflict and unhappiness. The only thing is the money I've leeched off these 23 years. I'm not currently working so I have no savings. To go just like this isn't right. Also, I'm in a constant state of flux, so what I'm feeling constantly changes. I've of course been living in comfort and that is another major reason for me to stay. I've got everything here, comfort, food, shelter; everything, except happiness and peace. But those things are enough to make one stay; change one's mind.
"I didn't choose you to be here, nor did you choose to be here."
Those words are so true, if it were a choice, you wouldn't see my face. You wouldn't know my name. But that's not possible.
Maybe now, maybe tmr, maybe in a few weeks.
Maybe in 2 years.
The day will come. This too shall end. I truly believe that, no, I truly want that. Belief is subjective. But "want" births from true desire, so yea, i "want".
__________________________________________
"Baby are you down, down, down, down , down"
"Yes, I am"
alvin.k
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Feel of the Day. 113
Today, is a mixed day.
If you were to ask me to rate today on average, i'd give it a 5/10.
But if you asked me to rate the lowest and highest moment today, you'd get a number lower than 0 and higher than 10.
I am too tired to even reiterate what happened today, but the gist is this:
I am too tired to bother anymore, and I will do whatever you want me to do.
But pls, don't expect me to be happy doing them.
If you wana set stupid rules, go ahead. Afterall, Australians have to abide by Australian's Law.
The good news is, I don't have to be Aussie forever. (That was just a metaphor)
Peace out y'all, those who can be happy, be happy please, enjoy it.
alvin.k
If you were to ask me to rate today on average, i'd give it a 5/10.
But if you asked me to rate the lowest and highest moment today, you'd get a number lower than 0 and higher than 10.
I am too tired to even reiterate what happened today, but the gist is this:
I am too tired to bother anymore, and I will do whatever you want me to do.
But pls, don't expect me to be happy doing them.
If you wana set stupid rules, go ahead. Afterall, Australians have to abide by Australian's Law.
The good news is, I don't have to be Aussie forever. (That was just a metaphor)
Peace out y'all, those who can be happy, be happy please, enjoy it.
alvin.k
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Feel of the Day. 112
Today, I feel like I've let someone close to me down. And, it's due to me not being able to be happy.
It all seems easy for me so be down in the dumps and just feel sorry for myself. It's a convenient place for me, a familiar one.
But, I've never thought (before this year) that it also affects other beside me, especially those who are close.
I don't know, of course I want to be happy; who doesn't. But, I just feel down. Maybe it is depression, actually, it is depression. It fits the DSM-IV criteria perfectly. It's going to be a challenge next year, when I'll be doing a rotation of psych.
I don't know what to do anymore. Just when I thought I would seek help, my parents are all la-di-da, and don't believe in that kinda help. They want to help, but ironically, they are a source of the problem; a big majority to be honest. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the root of all problems, and if I cease to exist, then everyone would be happy. Those close to me, are actually close to me not by choice. They didn't know that they were getting into shit when they unofficially sign the "Let's be friends" document. I feel sorry for them, i really do. Maybe i should let them go. But, I am a coward, I am afraid to. But deep down inside, somewhere deep deep down, I know. They would be much happier without me. People like me should be alone. Alone, unbothered. Just like someone with TB, sitting in the isolation room. That's where I belong socially. At least for those with TB, friends and family can still visit, all they needa do is to put on a special respirator (a.k.a. mask) and maybe a gown, and that's it. They can converse, and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The down side for me is, there's no respirator on sale for people like me. If you decide to be with me, that's saying "alright, give me TB" or "Just cough in my face, will ya?".
I don't know, I want to be selfless, but I am selfish. I can't let go. Not yet.
If you're reading this, you must think that I am such a loser. Well, maybe I am.
I need to be happy for others, no longer for myself. Why? Because I no longer have to substance to be happy, I don't have the slightest indication to muster a smile; a true smile, that is. The kinda smiles I've been generating these days look pretty believable, the kind that others would think the happiest man would have.
Well, think again.
All I've been doing is hurting myself, and others around me. Maybe I should just flame out. Maybe, just maybe. Don't you think so? Why keep a pet around when it is causing harm to you and your family.
A hole is where I ought to be right now, one that is deep, but bright! I do have a fear of darkness haha
A hole where no one else needs to worry about me, one where no one else would be upset because of me, one where I will be free from all bonds, just me and my thoughts, running through the night light.
Take me there, take me there...
alvin.k
It all seems easy for me so be down in the dumps and just feel sorry for myself. It's a convenient place for me, a familiar one.
But, I've never thought (before this year) that it also affects other beside me, especially those who are close.
I don't know, of course I want to be happy; who doesn't. But, I just feel down. Maybe it is depression, actually, it is depression. It fits the DSM-IV criteria perfectly. It's going to be a challenge next year, when I'll be doing a rotation of psych.
I don't know what to do anymore. Just when I thought I would seek help, my parents are all la-di-da, and don't believe in that kinda help. They want to help, but ironically, they are a source of the problem; a big majority to be honest. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the root of all problems, and if I cease to exist, then everyone would be happy. Those close to me, are actually close to me not by choice. They didn't know that they were getting into shit when they unofficially sign the "Let's be friends" document. I feel sorry for them, i really do. Maybe i should let them go. But, I am a coward, I am afraid to. But deep down inside, somewhere deep deep down, I know. They would be much happier without me. People like me should be alone. Alone, unbothered. Just like someone with TB, sitting in the isolation room. That's where I belong socially. At least for those with TB, friends and family can still visit, all they needa do is to put on a special respirator (a.k.a. mask) and maybe a gown, and that's it. They can converse, and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The down side for me is, there's no respirator on sale for people like me. If you decide to be with me, that's saying "alright, give me TB" or "Just cough in my face, will ya?".
I don't know, I want to be selfless, but I am selfish. I can't let go. Not yet.
If you're reading this, you must think that I am such a loser. Well, maybe I am.
I need to be happy for others, no longer for myself. Why? Because I no longer have to substance to be happy, I don't have the slightest indication to muster a smile; a true smile, that is. The kinda smiles I've been generating these days look pretty believable, the kind that others would think the happiest man would have.
Well, think again.
All I've been doing is hurting myself, and others around me. Maybe I should just flame out. Maybe, just maybe. Don't you think so? Why keep a pet around when it is causing harm to you and your family.
A hole is where I ought to be right now, one that is deep, but bright! I do have a fear of darkness haha
A hole where no one else needs to worry about me, one where no one else would be upset because of me, one where I will be free from all bonds, just me and my thoughts, running through the night light.
Take me there, take me there...
alvin.k
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Feel of the Day. 111
Today, i feel like writing something.
A bird, think about a bird for a second. Imagine you're taking a morning stroll in a forest path, and you look up. Underneath the magnificent branches and leaves, are a few brightly coloured creatures, flapping their energetic wings, soaring way above the ground. If you ask me, the first word that comes to mind when I think about birds, is "freedom".
Freedom is a universal thing, every little thing, no mater how big or small, significant or trivial, glamorous or shabby, have some form of freedom. Even the ants crawling on the ground have a say.
Today, i feel like i've a first world problem. I have a place to sleep, food to fill my stomach, a room to shelter me from the rain; to some people, i've got nothing to complain about, hence "first world problem".
For so long this problem has plagued me, in the beginning it was alright, because every same-aged soul that wonders the streets back then had the same disease. But what's different is that for them, this disease has an expiry date. For me, it continues to grow and year-by-year, as i hope and wish, it either stays the same as before or worsen in intensity.
Now, lacking freedom is one thing, but what's worse is lacking freedom alone, while others enjoy and live out their "freedom". Every year during the exam period, i have a dilemma. The same dilemma. On the one hand, i need to study as much as I can to score the best possible marks. Everyone is thinking the same and this causes tremendous stress. But what's different from me and the is that they can think of plans and things to do after the living hell that is "exams" are over. But me? No. That is not a luxury I have. That is not part of my birth right as a human being. The only right I have, is the choice to decide if my heart were to continue to beat, if my diaphragm were to continue to contract, and if my nephrons were to continue to filter blood.
Today i was asked this question, "So what will you be doing for your birthday?" I said "nothing". Response: N/A. No-freaking-thing. I have no one, no body to do this with me, because of your stupid plans, your stupid ways and your stupid beliefs. Are you happy? Are you pleased that you have ruined my life? Don't worry, once I am able to leave, I will. You will not see me, you will not hear from me, I will give you money, afterall, we should return what we have been given, but i will not grant you the luxury of torturing me when i can escape it. I am holding, holding my ground patiently. Waiting for that one opportunity to escape and then, perhaps, this disease shall escape me and me it. I look forward to this day, to this hour, to this minute, to this second, to this mllisecond, to this moment. When you will no longer be a part of my life, and when I can truly live my life the way i want to. Those out there who doesn't have this plague, please, enjoy you life, and don't let small petty things get in the way, you have so much to do and so much to live for, please, enjoy "freedom", while i wait patiently to taste its sweetness.
alvin.k
Feel of the Day. 110
Today, the 23rd of November 2013, marks the end of my 5th year of tertiary education and my 2nd post grad year in medicine. The LOOOOOOOOONGGGG and TEDIOUSSSSSS year has finally come to an end :)
We had OSCEs today, which was so different to last year's. I remember last year walking out of the Uni feeling confident and relieved. Today, the emotion i carried out of the hospital after my session was one of fear, anxiety and insecure. However, that didn't stop me from feeling accomplished and relieved that the year has finally finished and what's waiting ahead are a bunch of holiday destinations! :)
Coming back to my room today and looking onto my wall; full of conditions i need to learn for the year:
I felt a sense of accomplishment, seeing how far the year has progressed and how this chapter of my education will now come to a close.
It has been a unique and challenging year, whether it be in studies, friendship, or LIFE in general, there has been so many new aspects to it that i'm almost feeling proud of myself to have survived.
I am looking forward to the holidays ahead, and i sure hope that this year's will be one filled with happy memories and minimal friction.
Here's to a great year next year! :D
alvin.k
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Feel of the Day.109
Hello,
It sure has been a while...I don't think i blogged this half of the year o.0 haha anyways, time to catch up.
You know how sometimes people describe their life as being in a "roller coster", i know this is slam-dunk cliche, but count me in. There has been happy times, there has been sad time. The sad thing is, sad>happy times.
#1 Medical school is not what everyone says it's like.
Sure, it's great being in a hospital, learning diff kinds of illnesses and talking to real life patients. That's all good. But at the end of the day, you gotta learn them all; at least most of the important relevant ones, which already amounts to a huge pile everything.
You gotta keep your own morale steady, because you're constantly communicating to people, whether it be doctors or patients, it's a common denominator. It really doesn't help when your other half is with you in the same course and in the same hospital and in the same group! Don't get me wrong, it is also great having them around, being able to see them every day, being able to give them a morning hug, being able to have lunch together; that's all great and i mean that. I really do cherish our time together. But with every goodness there is always some shadow. Being both medical students, we are all competitive and a perfectionist in one way or another, that doesn't help. Also, after all the school-time madness, towards the end of the day, you'd want something fresh, and i don't mean like someone else, but rather something diff to talk about. Inevitably, some of the day time madness overspills into the evening emotions and poisons the moment. Perhaps it's because we're in the same group? It might've been different if we were still in the same hospital but different groups? Or maybe it's just my ego? Having said all that, i am also very grateful. I have been supported, lifted up, patted-on-the-back, encouraged and shared. I hope I have provided them with a mirror effect of those things. But often I fail and everything just sinks and sinks and sinks. It's like having a lifeline, and then taking a match, lighting it up and slowly burning the rope. As you smell the burning ash, you remind yourself that you gotta throw the lit match away, before its too late. I'm grateful I have heeded to my own subconscious and allowed the rope to mend. I hope this lifeline never snaps; but if it does, is there another line? or life?
#2 Home troubles
You know the age when people are starting to gain independence and experience REAL LIFE. Nevermind that, lets go back a few years.....You know the age when people are just starting uni life and beginning to exprience LIFE...I think to myself, "erm, come again? what?". It's sometimes shameful, but more often than not, it's actually hurtful. Being a fish in a pond without being able to swim amongst the vegetations and other lifeforms is really derogatory. It's like fate's laughing in front of you, as you age and age and age, and slowly missing the age-specific LIFE moments. Until one day when your stronghold is gone, there's nothing left to experience, there's no more LIFE moments to live and remember, there's only...LIFE...Long, Irritating, Funless, Existance (you like that? I've been told i'm quite good at making acronyms, here's one for real life application). Why oh why oh why have i been granted such...(i will stop here)...
#3 Mood
Finding yourself in a good mood at the start of the day is not such an easy or common occurence anymore. This obviously is contributed by #1 and #2. I can never just wake up and do what i want to do; or eat what i want to eat or how i want to eat it; it's all out of my control. I might as well be a robot. Everything adds on, that's real life maths for ya. Every single little thing will snowball and ultimately become a avalanche and BOOMSHAKALAKA, everything flatlines and restarts. and the little snowflakes starts falling again, and the LIFEcycle begins again. You get my drift?
I know i must be sounding like an inconsiderate homo sapien, and maybe i am such a person, but if there's a 0.000000001% chance that i'm not, empathize with me will ya? Lend me a hand and think "man, he's got a friggin avalanche behind him, that's not easy" and maybe at some level my subconsciousness will acknowledge that and relax a little, breathe a little, LIVE (Laughter, Interesting, Valuable, Existence) a little. Please, dear Mr. Subconsciousness, let me out? I relay the same plea to my physical stronghold, let me out.
Cheers,
Waiting to LIVE
It sure has been a while...I don't think i blogged this half of the year o.0 haha anyways, time to catch up.
You know how sometimes people describe their life as being in a "roller coster", i know this is slam-dunk cliche, but count me in. There has been happy times, there has been sad time. The sad thing is, sad>happy times.
#1 Medical school is not what everyone says it's like.
Sure, it's great being in a hospital, learning diff kinds of illnesses and talking to real life patients. That's all good. But at the end of the day, you gotta learn them all; at least most of the important relevant ones, which already amounts to a huge pile everything.
You gotta keep your own morale steady, because you're constantly communicating to people, whether it be doctors or patients, it's a common denominator. It really doesn't help when your other half is with you in the same course and in the same hospital and in the same group! Don't get me wrong, it is also great having them around, being able to see them every day, being able to give them a morning hug, being able to have lunch together; that's all great and i mean that. I really do cherish our time together. But with every goodness there is always some shadow. Being both medical students, we are all competitive and a perfectionist in one way or another, that doesn't help. Also, after all the school-time madness, towards the end of the day, you'd want something fresh, and i don't mean like someone else, but rather something diff to talk about. Inevitably, some of the day time madness overspills into the evening emotions and poisons the moment. Perhaps it's because we're in the same group? It might've been different if we were still in the same hospital but different groups? Or maybe it's just my ego? Having said all that, i am also very grateful. I have been supported, lifted up, patted-on-the-back, encouraged and shared. I hope I have provided them with a mirror effect of those things. But often I fail and everything just sinks and sinks and sinks. It's like having a lifeline, and then taking a match, lighting it up and slowly burning the rope. As you smell the burning ash, you remind yourself that you gotta throw the lit match away, before its too late. I'm grateful I have heeded to my own subconscious and allowed the rope to mend. I hope this lifeline never snaps; but if it does, is there another line? or life?
#2 Home troubles
You know the age when people are starting to gain independence and experience REAL LIFE. Nevermind that, lets go back a few years.....You know the age when people are just starting uni life and beginning to exprience LIFE...I think to myself, "erm, come again? what?". It's sometimes shameful, but more often than not, it's actually hurtful. Being a fish in a pond without being able to swim amongst the vegetations and other lifeforms is really derogatory. It's like fate's laughing in front of you, as you age and age and age, and slowly missing the age-specific LIFE moments. Until one day when your stronghold is gone, there's nothing left to experience, there's no more LIFE moments to live and remember, there's only...LIFE...Long, Irritating, Funless, Existance (you like that? I've been told i'm quite good at making acronyms, here's one for real life application). Why oh why oh why have i been granted such...(i will stop here)...
#3 Mood
Finding yourself in a good mood at the start of the day is not such an easy or common occurence anymore. This obviously is contributed by #1 and #2. I can never just wake up and do what i want to do; or eat what i want to eat or how i want to eat it; it's all out of my control. I might as well be a robot. Everything adds on, that's real life maths for ya. Every single little thing will snowball and ultimately become a avalanche and BOOMSHAKALAKA, everything flatlines and restarts. and the little snowflakes starts falling again, and the LIFEcycle begins again. You get my drift?
I know i must be sounding like an inconsiderate homo sapien, and maybe i am such a person, but if there's a 0.000000001% chance that i'm not, empathize with me will ya? Lend me a hand and think "man, he's got a friggin avalanche behind him, that's not easy" and maybe at some level my subconsciousness will acknowledge that and relax a little, breathe a little, LIVE (Laughter, Interesting, Valuable, Existence) a little. Please, dear Mr. Subconsciousness, let me out? I relay the same plea to my physical stronghold, let me out.
Cheers,
Waiting to LIVE
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Feel of the Day.108
Many things to catch up on.
1. I have a gf
2. I've started clinical training for the med course
3. life sometimes sucks (oh wait, this is old news)
Basically, you know when you break something accidentally, say during a ball game, and you really regret it but you don't know how or why it happened? That's me. I'm still pondering on why things are the way they are and why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling. My support system has collapsed. I really have no where else to go. And the worst thing is, the only support i thought i had has now became one of the stressors. I just can't let go. No one really understands, not even if i explain 5 times; not unless you have the same shoes i have. Family is great, but can't open up to them; too risky; too touchy. Friends are but the shell above shell; nuff said. I feel like the closest friend i have now is Ig and blogspot. That is sad; even i know that. Had a tough friday aftera tough week. I am tired, really really tired. Can the octopus please leave me alone. I need rest; i need resolution; i need time to stand still just for a sec so i can breathe without dying in my mind. I need closure. I need hope. School is busy, stressful and sleepless. 4.30am starts is what i get for this term. sigh is what i moan every night, every day.
Cheerios,
alvin.k
1. I have a gf
2. I've started clinical training for the med course
3. life sometimes sucks (oh wait, this is old news)
Basically, you know when you break something accidentally, say during a ball game, and you really regret it but you don't know how or why it happened? That's me. I'm still pondering on why things are the way they are and why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling. My support system has collapsed. I really have no where else to go. And the worst thing is, the only support i thought i had has now became one of the stressors. I just can't let go. No one really understands, not even if i explain 5 times; not unless you have the same shoes i have. Family is great, but can't open up to them; too risky; too touchy. Friends are but the shell above shell; nuff said. I feel like the closest friend i have now is Ig and blogspot. That is sad; even i know that. Had a tough friday aftera tough week. I am tired, really really tired. Can the octopus please leave me alone. I need rest; i need resolution; i need time to stand still just for a sec so i can breathe without dying in my mind. I need closure. I need hope. School is busy, stressful and sleepless. 4.30am starts is what i get for this term. sigh is what i moan every night, every day.
Cheerios,
alvin.k
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Feel of the Day.107
Today is my first day home"all day"! haha didn't even realise i've been going out everyday :3 Feel weird being home alone, the quietness and stillness (besides the noises of bulldozers building houses nearby haha). I had to complete a self-introductory document for the clinical school today, and a simple document has had me procrastinated for 3 days and a 15min job took me an hour lol That is the power of holidays :p
Apart from that, staying home today has gotten me to think a little. What am i living for? Who am i living for? Am i pleasing the right kinds of people?
It all comes back to a quote i've used on several occasion:
"Be the person who makes you happy today" :)
alvin.k
Apart from that, staying home today has gotten me to think a little. What am i living for? Who am i living for? Am i pleasing the right kinds of people?
It all comes back to a quote i've used on several occasion:
"Be the person who makes you happy today" :)
alvin.k
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Feel of the Day.106
Hello blog, it's been a while :3
I'm currently in malaysia, having my summer break!
i have visited 2 new countries this break -> thailand and taiwan. They were both amazing! Especially loved Taiwan, it's everything i imagined it to be! Definitely returning again in the future!
The holidays have been good, to relax my brain from studying mode; but it's not without it's problems.
Had a few arguments with the old roots, thing is, they're weren't just your usual squarrel; they were a bit of an end-result of a years worth of anger-accumulation; yeap it doesn't sound good. To make it worse, i don't think it's resolved. shit.
Every year something happens, and every year the supposedly long-awaited-awesome-break ends up being a shitty-non-study-period. As of now, i really want school to start soon, it's that shitty.
and i feel lonely sometimes.i know it's startting to sound like some melodramatic rant, but really, this is my only output.
i don't know, i have friends, many friends in fact. but it's hard sometimes with the old root issue and all. we play hard and we study hard, thats the motto to keep us going right? but on my end, im only getting the study hard part. play hard? ehhh maybe. i do play, but hard? im not so sure. So that's that. A holiday that's not really one. i feel crap.
Right now im focussing on gyming! something that i can put my mind to. It's good for health, and it takes my mind off things; win-win scenario. I need more of that in my life. Well, things are not all that bad, im back in msia! with no exams or assignments chasing my ass. I'm supposed to be in a freaking good period of the year. supposedly. But there's still good food and malls to walk around; so i guess it's not all that bad. it's like putting a dirty filter on a sweet f/1.2 50mm lens. it's still a good lens, but the picture it captures is demented; know what i mean?
Cheers.
alvin.k
I'm currently in malaysia, having my summer break!
i have visited 2 new countries this break -> thailand and taiwan. They were both amazing! Especially loved Taiwan, it's everything i imagined it to be! Definitely returning again in the future!
The holidays have been good, to relax my brain from studying mode; but it's not without it's problems.
Had a few arguments with the old roots, thing is, they're weren't just your usual squarrel; they were a bit of an end-result of a years worth of anger-accumulation; yeap it doesn't sound good. To make it worse, i don't think it's resolved. shit.
Every year something happens, and every year the supposedly long-awaited-awesome-break ends up being a shitty-non-study-period. As of now, i really want school to start soon, it's that shitty.
and i feel lonely sometimes.i know it's startting to sound like some melodramatic rant, but really, this is my only output.
i don't know, i have friends, many friends in fact. but it's hard sometimes with the old root issue and all. we play hard and we study hard, thats the motto to keep us going right? but on my end, im only getting the study hard part. play hard? ehhh maybe. i do play, but hard? im not so sure. So that's that. A holiday that's not really one. i feel crap.
Right now im focussing on gyming! something that i can put my mind to. It's good for health, and it takes my mind off things; win-win scenario. I need more of that in my life. Well, things are not all that bad, im back in msia! with no exams or assignments chasing my ass. I'm supposed to be in a freaking good period of the year. supposedly. But there's still good food and malls to walk around; so i guess it's not all that bad. it's like putting a dirty filter on a sweet f/1.2 50mm lens. it's still a good lens, but the picture it captures is demented; know what i mean?
Cheers.
alvin.k
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