Feel of the Day. 115

Today is an interesting day. haha

A little bit of background, I am currently in my 3rd year of medical school and if you've been following my previous posts, you know I've got family issues. Or maybe it's just me?

Today it was made known to me that my parents acknowledged that they did "neglect" me when my 2 younger brothers were born (they were 5 and 7 years my junior). At least they thought they did. They believe that this would've explained my coldness towards them in the family. Perhaps this is true.

Today marked the first time I was able to put my foot forward as an adult and voice my questions before them, adult to adult. It began well, I was able to control my tone of voice and behavior. I gave thoughtful answers that were also close to heart. For a minute, I felt like I had "parents", in the sense that I am having some meaningful conversations with them. But as the 3 way conversation (me, mum and dad) went on, as I continue to share my concerns and things I went through as I grew up as an adolescent, my mother began to once again sit on the iron throne and look down upon the lowly me, merely a son, and not an adult. My mother, she kept insisting that she's been through a lot in her life and that she knows best. That we need not understand what she is doing because she will only give us bread and not stones. Even after I presented the idea of an "open-conversation" between parent and child, she would not budge.

It was a start, at least. As I talked through myself, I realize that I had built a wall so high that even a storm on the other end couldn't affect my end. We talked about me and my brothers and how we needed to be closer and build a stronger relationship. This I know. My dad gave so many examples about how he and his brothers were close. And sometimes I envy that, but sometimes I wonder how could I yearn for such things when it seems so foreign to me. Nevertheless, I have to work through my end of the deal first. I need to explore the barriers, fears, insecurities that surround the intra-familial relationship and communication. I have de-volved into a cocoon. Made my own safe place, where no word nor command can break the peace within.

A least it was a start, a start I'm hoping will continue to explore itself to reveal more and more.
However, seeing that exams are soon, I don't know when the next time is before I can peek through my tightly knitted cocoon.

I wish they would listen and understand. Give me a hint of empathy, as oppose to practicing their authority as parents over their children, in the name of the bible. I gave them some insight from the point of view of a child of their own, but they refuse. At least they appeared that way. All I can wish is that they took away something from the hour long discussion.

Alas, the self-made quote that gives me comfort at the end of this day is "remember, nothing lasts forever". Does this mean nothing has change? I don't know. I do believe that I opened up a part of me to my parents (unexpectedly) and that it wasn't for nothing. Something has to change, something must.

Good night world, thanks for listening,

alvin.k