Feel of the Day. 112

Today, I feel like I've let someone close to me down. And, it's due to me not being able to be happy.
It all seems easy for me so be down in the dumps and just feel sorry for myself. It's a convenient place for me, a familiar one.

But, I've never thought (before this year) that it also affects other beside me, especially those who are close.
I don't know, of course I want to be happy; who doesn't. But, I just feel down. Maybe it is depression, actually, it is depression. It fits the DSM-IV criteria perfectly. It's going to be a challenge next year, when I'll be doing a rotation of psych.

I don't know what to do anymore. Just when I thought I would seek help, my parents are all la-di-da, and don't believe in that kinda help. They want to help, but ironically, they are a source of the problem; a big majority to be honest. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I am the root of all problems, and if I cease to exist, then everyone would be happy. Those close to me, are actually close to me not by choice. They didn't know that they were getting into shit when they unofficially sign the "Let's be friends" document. I feel sorry for them, i really do. Maybe i should let them go. But, I am a coward, I am afraid to. But deep down inside, somewhere deep deep down, I know. They would be much happier without me. People like me should be alone. Alone, unbothered. Just like someone with TB, sitting in the isolation room. That's where I belong socially. At least for those with TB, friends and family can still visit, all they needa do is to put on a special respirator (a.k.a. mask) and maybe a gown, and that's it. They can converse, and laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The down side for me is, there's no respirator on sale for people like me. If you decide to be with me, that's saying "alright, give me TB" or "Just cough in my face, will ya?".

I don't know, I want to be selfless, but I am selfish. I can't let go. Not yet.
If you're reading this, you must think that I am such a loser. Well, maybe I am.
I need to be happy for others, no longer for myself. Why? Because I no longer have to substance to be happy, I don't have the slightest indication to muster a smile; a true smile, that is. The kinda smiles I've been generating these days look pretty believable, the kind that others would think the happiest man would have.
Well, think again.

All I've been doing is hurting myself, and others around me. Maybe I should just flame out. Maybe, just maybe. Don't you think so? Why keep a pet around when it is causing harm to you and your family.

A hole is where I ought to be right now, one that is deep, but bright! I do have a fear of darkness haha
A hole where no one else needs to worry about me, one where no one else would be upset because of me, one where I will be free from all bonds, just me and my thoughts, running through the night light.

Take me there, take me there...

alvin.k